Most of the time, I am okay. My thoughts are concentrated on the tasks at hand, I can keep my mind from wandering, and my emotions are under control. I talk, smile, and even laugh about whatever is happening. There isn't any worry, anxiety, or fear about my present life or the future. I regret nothing.
But sometimes I have a flash of memory, a thought, or a disturbing image. Then my breath catches in my chest, my eyes can barely focus, and my nose starts to burn as I hold back hot tears. I'm less aware of my surroundings, I'm inattentive to the people I'm with, and I struggle to regain my composure. I take a short walk to change location, I find an alternate view to replace the image in my mind, and I think about breathing.
Just in a vain attempt to be reasonable, I consider the fact that my sleep has been more disrupted than usual, I may have delayed eating too long, and I've been sitting in one spot for quite a while. It's all so practical and makes such perfect sense that I should be able to recover quickly and get on with things. But it's not that easy, moving forward feels impossible, and I honestly wish it was just that simple.
The real truth is that I am coping with a deeper grief than I ever expected to experience. A relationship that I carefully nurtured, invested my heart in, and cherished with my whole being has died. And the one who killed it is walking freely while I mourn in agony. Yet I must forgive this killer if I ever desire that the relationship might be revived, healed, and restored. Because I am her mother and there is nothing fair about love but love is faithful and true. Only true love can offer mercy and grace.
Until then, I must pray that love would triumph over fear, that truth would prevail over anxiety, that grace would defeat shame, and that mercy would conquer the grave of broken bonds.
~ Glory
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