Strange Grief

Most of the time, I am okay. My thoughts are concentrated on the tasks at hand, I can keep my mind from wandering, and my emotions are under control. I talk, smile, and even laugh about whatever is happening. There isn't any worry, anxiety, or fear about my present life or the future. I regret nothing.

But sometimes I have a flash of memory, a thought, or a disturbing image. Then my breath catches in my chest, my eyes can barely focus, and my nose starts to burn as I hold back hot tears. I'm less aware of my surroundings, I'm inattentive to the people I'm with, and I struggle to regain my composure. I take a short walk to change location, I find an alternate view to replace the image in my mind, and I think about breathing.

Just in a vain attempt to be reasonable, I consider the fact that my sleep has been more disrupted than usual, I may have delayed eating too long, and I've been sitting in one spot for quite a while. It's all so practical and makes such perfect sense that I should be able to recover quickly and get on with things. But it's not that easy, moving forward feels impossible, and I honestly wish it was just that simple.

The real truth is that I am coping with a deeper grief than I ever expected to experience. A relationship that I carefully nurtured, invested my heart in, and cherished with my whole being has died. And the one who killed it is walking freely while I mourn in agony. Yet I must forgive this killer if I ever desire that the relationship might be revived, healed, and restored. Because I am her mother and there is nothing fair about love but love is faithful and true. Only true love can offer mercy and grace.

Until then, I must pray that love would triumph over fear, that truth would prevail over anxiety, that grace would defeat shame, and that mercy would conquer the grave of broken bonds.

~ Glory

Lovely Tangle?

This blog started out as an outlet for some of my more confused, anxious, and conflicted thoughts which, inevitably, turned into prayer-like discussions and rants with my Lord and best Friend. For the record, I'm certain that I have never audibly yelled at God. I won't say I haven't been tempted to. There is truly a fine faint line between contemplation and action when it comes to things we want to say to God and what we actually verbalize. The reason it's that, to His attentive ears and eyes, they are pretty much one and the same.

So this blog was born kind of flailing and screaming into this crazy world that is my life. My good husband and dear children have been both the inspiration and instigation of the open and honest words that I write here and, oftentimes, bravely share with you. Just think of it as me letting you eavesdrop on my conversations with Jesus. He doesn't mind and, most of the time, neither do I.

The thing one is likely to notice within a moment of reading is that I'm not a skilled devotional writer. I truly adore and admire anyone who can deftly apply scripture to their life experiences and make it relatable to the entire planetful of humans. My abilities lie elsewhere, and I would genuinely appreciate notification if anyone were to discover where that might be!

So, there you have it, not the best description of a blog you may have had the pleasure of reviewing, but it's what it is. A lovely tangle of partially woven strands of life, emotion, experiences, memories, understandings, and grapplings. And, most importantly, this is my earnest cry: Lord, help me!

Glory

Messy Loves

This sticky hot afternoon I came home from work, a little mental-battle-weary and pride-scuffed. When I opened the door I saw our youngest smiling at me through a thin sheen of evaporated sweat and pen-ink circles around his eyes, his cheeks, and lines over his mouth.

?

I was more than a little confused by this until I saw the perfectly detailed bone drawings on his arms and, as he would later reveal with wicked pleasure, his legs. His older brother was, apparently, equally decorated. Not really understanding what my response should be and, quite truthfully, wondering where my good husband was during this mash-up moment of art and iniquity, I simply continued my briefly interrupted sojourn into the kitchen where I assembled the kind of taco salad that bandages and covers hurt feelings so deliciously well. Later I would consume more stale kettle corn than anyone should ever ingest in one sitting.

(Speaking of sitting, our recent hike-in camping trip bestowed upon my fatigued form a sore souvenir when I slipped and landed squarely on my posterior. I miss sitting...)

Since more than four hours have passed from pulling into our driveway, I've had plenty of time to reflect on the goodness of God, His great love for me, and His purpose for my life. But, regrettably, I haven't allowed a single one of those truths enter into my thoughts. Instead, I know I have been dwelling on murkier musings, things that I lack enough information to draw a proper conclusion, and things that have cluttered my mind unchecked for too long. And yet, God's truths always prevail and, once again, His love for me looks past the mess and sees the one He adores, values, and treasures, much to my incomprehension.

I suppose this is why I simply asked my good husband if he had anything to say about the kids having their skeletons diagramed on their bodies. He just smiled a bit and said he didn't say anything about it. So neither will I.

Lord, I am so grateful for Your messy loves, not just these dear little ones who perplex me with their naughty curiosity, nor my good husband who confuses me with his contrasting personality, but all of Your preciously imperfect children. I need to be reminded that my disorderly life is no surprise to You but Your Spirit of Peace and Patience is the best guide with which to view my chaos. This proves to me, every moment of every day, how much I desperately need You. And I know I do. I really do!

Glory

Praying my Guts Out

I've got to be honest. I am not a big fan of advertising my flaws, wearing my humanity inside-out. Most of the time, I keep all of that prudishly hidden and, yes, I kind of do judge those who aren't as discreet as I am. But I also kind of judge those who never let any struggle be seen. Frankly, I try to be moderate so I can continue to put my best and prettiest face forward while giving the appearance of confiding and spilling my guts out. Nope, just kidding. I don't.

This is how I am with praying out loud. I can say some truthful and somewhat raw things when I pray in a group, with my kids, or alone with my husband. But it's not all of it. Maybe it's not supposed to be, although David was quite terribly shameless in his Psalms. Oh, if I could be as bravely humble as David. Perhaps it was easier because he threw it all into songs, like Taylor Swift. Every messy bit of his life was belted out in a little rant-like petition. Yeah, I should write more prayer songs. Or just sing them. To an audience of One.

Dear God,

"Where can I go from Your Spirit?..." Nowhere, really. And I'm actually thankful for that. It's pretty hard to find friends who are so unconditionally loving and faithful, and won't condemn me for my mistakes. And I am embarrassed to admit that I am not that kind of friend, much of the time. I try to be but trusting is hard, especially when I am just minutes away from my next failure. Life hasn't been easy, lately, and I've been asking a lot of scary questions about You. The answers should be as obvious as Your Word but I'm not the best at remembering what I already know to be true. "Help me overcome my unbelief." That sums it up, right now.

~ Glory

There I go again...

Today is my "day off." And in true careless and purposeless fashion I let myself wander and take a mental stroll through social media-ville. This wasn't exactly my first mistake and it certainly wasn't going to be my last. Not a sinful thing but likely a foolishness that leads to sin, thing.

I read some stuff. I saw some words. I got upset.

Yes, it happened again. Sometimes on this road to recovery from Approval Addiction aka People Pleasing I hit a bump. Hard. An ego-sized pothole that feels like I'm going to break something. Like pride? Personal value?

*sigh*

So, out of the blue it dawns on me. Like bright glaring sunlight through my gloomy woe-is-me party-of-one.

I read the wrong stuff. I saw the wrong words. I got off track.

Oh dear. This means I've got some damage-control duty, huh? Again...

"You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!" Isaiah 26:3 (NLT)

Lord, I do trust in You and want to fix my thoughts on You. Give me Your perfect peace, now. Amen!

Mixed-Up Mess

Dearest Friends,

This has been a tough month, or two, or longer...

Honestly, there have been so many adjustments to our regular-but-not-exactly-normal lives I am struggling to keep up. Some are easy while others are challenging and still more are quite simply over-the-top overwhelming. Is there such a thing as just "whelming"? I could do "whelming".

Our oldest graduated from college - Easy
She has been trying to find a full-time job - Challenging
She struggles with direction, purpose, significance, and relationships - Overwhelming

All of our younger kids are in school every day, full-time - Easy
They have homework, chores, and after-school responsibilities to be disciplined in - Challenging
They are little individuals with strong personalities yet are sometimes influenced by the world we live in and I can't always be there to shelter them - Overwhelming

The hubby continues to be a well-respected and valued asset to his workplace, which always involves extra responsibilities and time commitments away from home, once in awhile - Easy
He has started his Master's program in ministry - Challenging
He is undergoing surgery to have a pacemaker/defibrillator "installed" - Overwhelming

Never before have I been more directly confronted by the awesome faithfulness and sovereignty of God, more acutely aware of my agonizing and desperate need of His mercy and grace, and more humbled and thankful for His love and provisions.

So I'm choosing to respond in prayer, and praise, and worship in all things. "It is well with my soul..."

With deep love and appreciation,
Glory

The Look of Love

"Turn your eyes away for they overpower me..." Song of Solomon 6:5a

I love my husband's eyes. Most of the day they are behind little expensive portholes. He needs corrective lenses, though, and I understand since mine are soft contact lenses that I wear almost every day. I rarely see his eyes without glasses, but I love them and the way they look at me. Most of the time, anyway.

I've wasted so much time trying to make him see things the way I do, but I can't. Not exactly. It is during those times that I insist that I see things better than him that I get myself into the most trouble. This communicates disrespect and distrust which makes my love blurry and hard to see. It's like I got his glasses dirty. When I apologize sincerely and with humility, and there is forgiveness, then the careless smears get wiped clean away and he is able to see my love in my words.

Lord, help me to recognize the look of love in my husband's eyes, and to recognize my mistakes in showing him my point of view without consideration of his. I thank you that his eyes see me with so much grace, patience, and beauty, no matter how I think I appear. May we both always look through lenses of clear and pure love.

~ Glory

Holy Sweaters

Every Autumn I fall in love...

...with sweaters. This is a very serious obsession. I am completely out of control and I love it. My widely varied skill set does not include knitting or crocheting. Yarn isn't really my thing unless it's already been made into something thick, comforting, and gorgeous. Baking is more my thing, but I can't wear Apple Crisp or Blackberry Cobbler. Intentionally, anyway. But I will happily wear an oatmeal tomed shawl style or plum hued cowl neck. All day long, if need be.

There is something so perfectly cozy and heart-settling about a nice warm covering. I feel safer and more at ease with everything around me. My thoughts quiet and turn to soft whispers. This is true in relationships as well. Emotions are soothed when I offer a kind word or encouragement with gentleness and grace.

Lord, I thank You for Your words of comfort to my soul. As the weather changes and the air gets chilly I pray that You would fill me with the warmth of Your love so that I can be a calm soothing influence to others around me.

~ Glory

Popcorn and Grace

The few days before the next paycheck are always the most challenging and stressful, when it comes to preparing meals and to packing school lunches. The dinner table holds an array of leftovers, at times, but I've also been known to throw together some really odd combinations. The kids have opened their lunches to find a bag of mini marshmallows, a pickle, or saltine crackers. It gets really weird! Everyone breathes a grateful sigh of relief when we can finally go grocery shopping and get real food. I don't blame them at all.

This morning I popped a big bowl of salty buttery popcorn to add to their school lunch. It was a whim that just spontaneously tranformed into an act before I even really though about it. Almost like it was the Holy Spirit prompting, "Feed My children." I didn't argue, anyway. The kids were stoked and now I can allow myself the hopeful vision of my kids sharing their crunchy morsels of fluff with their friends, who are probably unfairly burdened with preservative-laden snackables and other processed packages of yuck. I want them to share, because they are just really good kids, and I'm that really cool mom!

Which reminds me of how God has always covered for me whenever I have only leftovers to work with, scraps of offerings to give, and really disjointed ideas because it's just been that kind of day, week, or month. God shows me that whatever I do isn't a big deal and He uses even tiny little things like a bit of time, a kind word, or even a simple prayer, and transforms it, like those hard yellow kernels of pocorn, into something exciting, fun, and totally yummy...in a fruit of the Spirit kind of yummy way. That's His grace and I am so thankful for it. And popcorn, I really thank God for popcorn!

Awakened!

Sometimes I feel dormant, in activity, in life, and in spirit. Days will go by and I feel very much asleep and comfortable in my bed of past achievements and experiences. I pull up the covers of complacency and close my eyes to the light of responsibility or opportunity. The reality of God's will seems too bright against my senses. And yet, despite my flesh and my fear of what lay ahead, I awaken.

I am coaxed out of my slumber like a tender sprout is coaxed by the sun's warmth and light. The seed that has lain resting and slowly germinating emerges as it is brought to life. Because all living things are drawn to its radiance and wonder. I long for it even when I don't feel ready or competent enough to do what God has purposed for me. Even my doubts cannot prevent me from responding to God's calling on my life because, in my search for Him and His truth, I am compelled to seek Him earnestly. I fight obstacles and hindrances just to get closer to Him and to know Him more.

And as my soul glimpses the glory of the Lord, I breathe hope, love, and joy afresh! The past becomes an imperceptible memory and I receive new eyes to behold Him and new ears to hear His voice. I am awakened! And He strengthens me and sustains me for the work of His hands. I am alive in Him!

Glory

Pursuing Intimacy

These past few days I have felt a stirring in my heart. It's unmistakable. My soul is longing for a deeper and more passionate relationship with Jesus.

In my quest I have sought out worship videos on youtube to find what I seek. There are multitudes of online Bible studies and email devotionals that I could sign up for. Just today I spent a good chunk of time sifting through the bookshelves at Goodwill hoping to find anything that would satisfy my search.

Why so much trouble over somthing God has made so simple? "If you look for Me wholeheartedly, you will find Me." Jeremiah 29:13 (NLT)

God must be the focus of my search, not other things or people, even those who love and serve Him. My entire being must be invested in this venture, without agendas or the wrong motive.

And I will find Him. Because He first found me!

A New Chapter

The haven has been quieter, these past couple of days. It will be even more silent next week. We will have all of our kids in school. And I haven't decided how I really feel about it.

We've been all over this thing. Homeschooling. Public schooling. Alternative schooling.

We know our ideals and what we've wanted to do. We want to be superhuman too. It's not going to happen.

But that's okay.

Lord, thank You for being with our children when they are apart from us, just as when they are with us. It's reassuring to know that You love them more than I ever could. This doesn't exactly make perfect sense but we do have Your perfect peace. And I honestly couldn't ask for more.

Lovingly Yours,
Glory

Soul Sisters

Tomorrow, just one more sleep away from now, I will be en route to visit my sister. I am excited, nervous, and thrilled at the same time as we will be without spouses, children, or other general responsibilities. This has never happened before and I am unsure of when it may ever happen again. Which is why it had to happen now. She delights my heart whenever we meet and catch up. She loves God and so do I so our sisterhood is held together with a strong soul tie. It's beautiful, challenging, and something I am happy to know in my life. Certainly I have friends who have become my sisters is every possible way except biological. We are bound together with the scarlet cord of Jesus' shed blood for our sins. And that makes us soul sisters.

God, thank You so much for the blessing of sisters who share a common purpose and faith in You. Thank You for a sister who loves You and cherishes my heart as much as I cherish hers. Please protect the sweet love and friendship that I have with my soul sisters and keep us always in each others thoughts and prayers. Amen.

Foil-Covered Cardboard

The scene was like this: Hubby-Dad was helping the kids make stuff while I was working out burning 400+ calories on the treadmill. It's a beautiful partnership and I do love how resourceful he is at making fun with the kids. He entered the garage a couple of times to retrieve tape so I knew they were still busily creating. So I should have been appreciative and happy when I saw the epic result of his toil. A fantastic shield with trim and a crest on the front. Instead I saw foil. I know we've been out of foil for a few weeks, now, and I was sure I had used up the last and threw the remnants away. So I asked where the foil was found, to which he replied that there was a square of foil-covered cardboard in the pantry. I instantly knew the piece he was referring to, as it had been the base for a spectacular gingerbread castle we had built one Christmas holiday. A somewhat tense dialogue followed and I ended up hurting his feelings. Yes, I should have been grateful that he had invested time and attention to our kids. Instead, I was overly concerned about my aluminum-wrapped principles of thrifty ideals.

Oh God, unwrap my values and reveal the plain unimportant expectations that lie within. Help me let go of those things that really don't matter nearly as much as the worth of a devoted father spending priceless time with his children. Thank you for Your shield of faith that reminds me to trust You in all things, and to understand that You value time with us above all the gift that You may graciously bestow upon us.

In Jesus' name. Amen.

Treats

When describing my personal study to our oldest I referred to the "yumminess of God." She laughed with me as I continued to talk about how many times God's goodness and provisions are expressed with terms like taste, sweet, hunger, satisfy. It's pretty telling, especially when words like fruit and harvest are used, that God fully intends to meet, not only our need of him, but also our desires.

Consider these verses:

"How sweet your words taste to me; they are sweeter than honey." ~ Psalm 119:103

"For he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things." ~ Psalm 107:9

"Wise words satisfy like a good meal; the right words bring satisfaction." ~ Proverbs 18:20

God, You are good and You give us good things, not only for our health and wholeness but also for our enjoyment and pleasure. Open my eyes to Your Word every day so that I can see that You alone can satisfy my deepest longings and desires, that my greatest need for comfort is found in You. Help me to be faithful in seeking You first to satisfy me and fill me. Forgive me of my sinful craving for things that are temporary and will not last. Even my desire to be physically fit is fleeting and not of eternal value. But desiring Your presence and spending time in deep heartfelt worhip of You, Lord, is forever! Thank You for this revelation!

Glory

Fresh!

Our second girl loves to use mouthwash. Not the kiddies rinse, either. The cringe and swish quickly kind of mouthwash. For years she's called it "fresh." We like her names for things and adopt them into our family vocabulary, sometimes permanently. So today, with the April showers watering flowers (I just had to!) the word "fresh" is swashing over my thoughts.

When I stepped on the bathroom scale, this morning, I saw a number I've been waiting to see for weeks, now. Keeping in mind that I have not gone to great excruciating lengths to shed any weight at this point, what I saw was encouraging and refreshing on a level I haven't felt for more than a year. Like a Spring rain shower, my heart was washed over with a joy and contentment that felt really cleansing and restorative. And this one single truth hasn't left my mind: it's all God! God who strengthens me, sustains me, satisfies me, fills me, and empowers me! And the more I seek after Him the better equipped and more fit I will be for His service and His work!

"Taste and see that the LORD is good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!" Psalm 34:8

God, thank You! You have truly blessed my heart and flooded me with Your joy! And I will take delight and pleasure in Your Word and Your sweet presence. Thank You for allowing me to experience this little victory and I ask now that You would help me to be faithful to the commitments that Your have directed me to make. Please give me a clear mind and a steadfast heart to know that You are good, that You give me fresh joy and that I can find refuge and safety and comfort in You! I give You praise and adoration for this undeserved blessing to my soul!

Glory

Dear Personal Trainer...

Those 2 miles today sucked. A lot. I understand how important physical health and fitness is. But it didn't feel important today. Or worth it. That's why I had a meltdown. With tears. And ugly words. And even uglier thoughts. And You heard everything.

I don't want to give up. I want to make this happen. 2 miles. Walking. Jogging. Or running. You can help me. I know that. I just want to want Your help. It's hard to need Your help. It's even harder to accept it. Because You will help me. But accepting it is the real challenge.

I am a recipe for failure, alone, without You. By myself I can't do this. Even the encouragement of friends isn't enough. I need You. Because, with You, trusting You, following You, and obeying You, I am a recipe for success. We will succeed, together.

And that makes it worth every tear. And ugly word. And uglier thoughts. Because You will help me do this and every other hard thing that must be done. With You I will not fail. Never.

Glory

Vexed

Truly this cannot be happening! For more than a week my family has been battling an intruder on our calm and order. Every day we have searched for proof that our efforts have been successful. And every day we have found evidence that the end is not close enough. My mood and temper have been traversing the gamut of frustration, embarassment, resolve, self pity, and utter loathing. Yet nothing helps to soothe these frayed emotions like the company of a friend who knows exactly the trouble I'm in. And in knowing that I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings I have already overcome and will continue to do so until the victory is finally ours!

Lord, so many things are outside the realm of my understanding and yet I amaze myself in how I try in futility to know Your purpose and reason for everything. Thank You for these gentle and loving reminders that You are in charge of my life and I must simply follow You and obey You even in things I don't understand or comprehend. show me how to return frtiendship in a more honoring way. I also thank You for the faithful friendships that You've blessed me with and Help me to be even more yielded to You as You guide me through things that vex me, keeping Your will as my constant focus.

Glory

hi·a·tus

[hahy-ey-tuhs]

–noun, plural -tus·es, -tus.

1. a break or interruption in the continuity of a work, series, action, etc.
2. a missing part; gap or lacuna: Scholars attempted to account for the hiatus in the medieval manuscript.
3. any gap or opening...

Dear God, I thank You for these times when my own strength and energy wanes and I am driven to find my rest in You. I pray that You would direct my thoughts to those things that would honor You and serve those who You have blessed my life with. Thank You for Your tender and faithful mercies.

Glory

Reminisce

This week I have cooked and baked more than usual. Something about the blending of savory ingredients into a casserole, the mixing and shaping of cookie dough into loving bites of home, or the elaborate preparation of a once-a-year meal sends me into a nostalgic euphoria that lingers well into days. And I bask in remembrance.

The funny thing is I never thought of reminiscence as anything but pleasing and leisurely until I just looked up the definition. The word "indulge" beamed at me like a gentle pulsating light. Indulgence just makes the action seem uncontrolled and even sinful. Isn't it? When the calendar draws nearer to a special holiday like Thanksgiving or Christmas don't I pore over past menus and recipes smacking my lips at the sweet memories of culinary delights? Or when I think about the lazy hours spent outside sipping tea with the warm sun caressing my shoulders? Am I not indulging in something that seemed to feed and fill my spirit but, in the end, wouldn't last or sustain me? Allowing my thoughts to hearken back to glorious moments, even if were just moments ago, is not wrong in and of itself but wishing to return to those days or trying to recapture the joy of those experiences is silly and not going to happen. Instead I should be looking back with thanks for God's provision and mercy, knowing that He alone can feed and sustain my spirit.

My God, I thank You for the blessing of happiness shared and comforts enjoyed. Please forgive me for exalting moments and memories as greater than You intended and something to be sought after in place of communion with You. Fill the empty chalice of my heart with the living water of Your Word and let me feast on the bread of Your promises.

Glory